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| Photography: Marisa Rose |
I am writing because something struck a cord with me tonight. Over the last couple months I have had many eye-opening moments or realizations. These are things I have always known but forgot over the course of this year.
First my two favorite movies "The Greatest Showman" and "Wonder" both of these movies have some of the best messages and have truly inspired me more than I can express. Second, tonight as I was sitting in my living room watching America Idol and balling like a little baby I finally mustered up the courage to write down my thoughts for the public. Thank you to Maddie Zahm who auditioned for American Idol and brought along her best friend who has down syndrome and talked about how he gave her the confidence and drive to be herself again.
I haven't wanted to talk about this because in order to do so I have to be very vulnerable and open which is something that I struggle with. After having all these moments hit me in the face the past couple months I couldn't ignore it any longer. It has given me prospective on how I should view things and try to be the best me. For those of you that have see me in the last year I'm sure you've noticed, but for those of you who have not seen me in a while well here we go...Since I got married in August of 2016 I have gained 35lbs! Yes I know what most people would think "Wow she let her self-go" but if we are being real, let me explain...Over the course of our marriage I have had multiple doctors appointments and tried many different methods to work out the kinks of why I have gained the weight but not drastically changed my eating habits or exercise? I have tried 3 different birth control pill brands and an IUD which we have found I am allergic to all forms which has caused my hormones to not be balanced out. We are still trying to figure things out with testing my thyroid, hormone levels, ect. but here is the real behind the scenes. Because of my weight gain I started losing myself and my confidence. For the last year I have been embarrassed to even be in pictures and haven't acted or felt like myself at all. Being the 5' 3' stalking build I am 35lbs looks more like 80lbs and as you can imagine has made my already round face rounder, my broad shoulders chunkier, and my stump legs stumpier (I know not proper words but oh well). I have always been very active as a dancer and had a major passion for healthy eating and exercising, so gaining weight was never my plan which I mean it's no ones plan, but it has been extremely hard. Over the course of gaining weight I lost my drive to walk back into that gym, not because I didn't want to put in the work but because I was embarrassed for those I may see who know me and would see the new fatter me. Or the time when everyone was pigging out on sweets and I had just that one bite but felt like I had to hide it because I didn't want people to think "she has already gained so much weight why is she taking a bite of that?". I can assume what most people are thinking right now reading this...How ridiculous to be that worried about what others think? Well after many tears, talks with doctors, unconditional love from my amazing husband, and trying to lose the weight I realized your right how stupid! So now to tie in those movies and realizations I have had.
It doesn't matter if I wore a size small a year ago or if I could confidently wear a bikini at the pool. Just because I am heavier then I have ever been or ever wanted to be in my life. Doesn't mean I have to hate on myself for it. Why do we worry if we have gained weight? Why do we compare ourselves to those around us? Why are we never satisfied with what we see looking back at us in the mirror? These are the questions I think we all should be asking ourselves and the list of questions could go on forever. We are all different and beautiful in our on unique ways. Defining beauty or worth by 1 particular idea is not realistic! We all come in many shapes, skins tones, personalities, ect. so why do we all feel like we have to fit into one "Perfect" mold? We should love ourselves and be confident with who we are because in reality there is no "Perfect" person. There are definitely people who come very close to that "Perfect" expectation but I promise you they are struggling just like all of us and have at least one thing they would change about them selves. So I would like to encourage every little girl, teen, or woman to be proud of who they are. Walk tall and confident because there is always someone out there that has a harder life or is struggling with much more than you are.
I don't mean that we should let ourselves go and not care at all but rather "Strive to be the best you, not the best "her". I know we are all going to have our hard moments or multiple moments but if we all try to empower one another and embrace each other I think we will all be much happier!
Xoxo
Bee behind the chair
